Looking at old pictures of myself, at my biggest and at my slimmest, looking at my hen do’s, wedding, honeymoon, one year anniversary photos, reading old slim days comments or blog posts… they all get to me, but one thing that has really struck a chord, and quite frankly caused me to curl up into a ball and bawl….. reading my December posts from 2017.
Saying how I hadn’t done as well as I would have liked by the end of the year, and getting to Christmas 27.5lbs down. And ending 2017 at around 2 stone down. That’s fab compared to right now. Right now I am 34lbs down. which means. I’m not even at 40lbs anymore, obviously. But not only that, I am nowhere near 40lbs down. At one point I was 3 stone 1lb down. 43lbs down. Now I am 34lbs down. That’s disgusting. It means I am only 7lbs lighter in 12 flippin’ months. HALF A BLOODY STONE IN 50 WEEKS!!! What the fudge have I actually done with this year? What am I actually playing at.
I knew I had been bad, I knew it was silly, I knew I was letting myself down, but that? That is just no. Not on. Not at all.
I know it could be a lot worse, I could be 7lbs up, if not more, but that’s besides the point.
I had a lot going on in September / October but that is still no excuse. What was November all about, or any other damn month?!?
My brother got married in March, my best friend in July. Where’s all the motivation for them or continuation!!? Like. If being a bridesmaid isn’t motivation enough, what the hell is going to sort me out really!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I have said over and over again this year what a joke I am, what I’ve become. But never have I ever felt it more than I do right now. An actual J-O-K-E. Everyone says to me don’t be so hard on yourself, but really, I am exactly that. It’s laughable. It is beyond words.

So as you can imagine, this week. Didn’t happen. The continued joke.
I did promise myself I would post every week, and I will continue to do so for the next 2.5 weeks! They may be late, but they are about every week!!
As you know, hubby was on late’s this week, so I gave up. Before I even got started. 2 weeks before Christmas was still plenty of time to make a difference, and I didn’t.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am done with 2018.

-x-