“This also means I may actually get back on it & may actually try for a whole day at some point in the not so distant future! And I’m actually excited by this!!!!”

Direct quote from last weeks post. And that is exactly what happened on Thursday!
Thursday started off in such good spirits. By breaking it down. One meal at a time. Literally going to have to treat myself like a child! But if it works, and helps, then so be it! I was given a really low SP recipe for pancakes a few weeks ago, that are so yummy and so filling, and despite being WW friendly, do not contain a single banana! I know right!?!? So I had these for breakfast. So good. With one MEASURED teaspoon of golden syrup drizzled over the top! How good am I? I mean!!! Come on!! Measured teaspoon, the works!! Not at all like me 🤣
Question is. Will it last!?!
It didn’t take long at all to doubt myself. When the child spends a whole morning really riling you up, to the point you wanted to scream, yes that bad….. so bad that all you wanted to do was open the cupboards…. and what really f***ed you off even more was that your first thought had been what can I eat…..! How?! Really. I tried the whole you’re not hungry you’re thirsty approach, a whole bottle of squash later, it didn’t satisfy the anger, but Fridge raiders (name intended right now!!!) saved the day! Embarrassed much…. mid morning snack, could be ALOT worse! But proud I didn’t succumb to anything naughty. Still very embarrassed by my ‘habit’ that’s seemed to have formed. Also, is half term over yet!?!?!
Popped over to the mother in-laws for a few hours in the afternoon, meaning I also got fed! It was nothing overly fancy but as she’s now back on the SW wagon, it was very WW friendly! I did get offered a Pink & Whites and totally obliged, but they are also WW friendly, unfortunately little man didn’t like his and was adamant for me to have and not throw it. Excuses or not, for those who have toddlers, you get it! Ha. But I tracked it all so that’s a good start. He did end up with an ice cream instead and made me have a few licks BUT that is al! I even managed to sort myself an early dinner before my Thursday evening ‘session’. How good am I being eh!?!?
Yes I had those 2 pink & whites so if it weren’t for those, I genuinely feel like I’ve smashed it today!!! Not felt this ‘light’ and breezy for a long while!

So Friday. Hubbys day off as working this weekend. They come around far to fast these days. We went out for lunch and asked little man what he wanted. We thought he’d say like Nandos or Frankie & Bennys. Both do garlic bread & chips – his totally healthy meal of choice when out and about. And also, both places suitable and trackable for myself. Hubbys also back on a health kick so good choices for him. No. Our child chose Pizza Hut. To most of you, a little boy choosing to sit and eat pizza, nothing strange or abnormal about that. Well for us, this is not. He doesn’t do pizza. He doesn’t do most kid friendly foods. I won’t go too much into it but this child is one of the fussiest foodies I’ve ever heard of. To the point new food makes him cry, he won’t even try it at the best of times and would rather be hysterical & hungry than try. Trust me we have tried every method going….it’s been going on longer than any ‘phase’ should do. Theres been anger, shouting, screaming & a hell of a lot of tears. Most days I feel like a failure of a Mom. I really do.
But today we asked him what he’d like for lunch, and he chose Pizza hut. We were shocked to say the least & asked multiple times. We have gotten him to eat a bite in recent weeks, just one single small teeny bite at home. And even that took a LOT. So we weren’t expecting much even once we went in, and we did sit there for about ½ hour debating whether to order or actually get up & go. Neither hubby or I actually wanted pizza, well I did but not because I should, and we didn’t want to waste money on a meal he just wouldn’t eat, but the fact little man wanted this, we had to try.
Long story, short, ish, He ended up eating about 1/4 (only a kids size anyway so not big as it was) which to us is like an absolute miracle and 1/4 to him, that’s like a whole ruddy pizza, and so worth the waste of 39SP 🙈 I ended up using on lunch today. This moment is right up there with a child’s first words, or crawl or steps. Seriously.

I have to admit guilt & upset was what I was feeling for that half an hour before we ordered & my whole head was a complete mess! Its pizza, I shouldn’t be reacting like this! But that’s what happened. I’m not saying it’s on plan as it’s 39SP ffs, but it’s most definitely not worthy of an ‘oops’ day, because my child eating 1/4 of a pizza, 1 garlic bread & then wanting and eating most of his ice cream factory (yes even that is a miracle) tops any healthy salad choice. So I feel a little bit of a failure for having pizza when I am actually feeling like I’m trying now BUT it was one meal.
That’s it. ONE.

Afterwards we went off to the park for an hour or so in the beautiful sunshine, in February, yes, and had a lovely time. Once we got home, I went back out to get some new joggers for the gym today (oooh get me! Unfortunately not because I need a size down, because that’s a long way off) and do you know something, I didn’t go crazy in Tesco or Greggs like I normally would. Sneaky snacking whilst solo shopping has become a standard habit of mine.
I fought the urge, actually there wasn’t much of an urge just a momentary thought, but I shut down that little voice almost immediately.
Came home proud as punch, because I’m just that pathetic. I really am. Then went and did my Friday night Zumba class.
Seeing myself in the mirror broke me, as it always does in that studio, but I went on and gave it as good as I could.
So yes today I’ve used so many weeklies but I don’t feel I’ve completely f’d up, I’ve tried where I can & hopefully won’t let it deter me for the rest of the week.
But again. One meal. That’s all. And also. One meal at a time.

Saturday, over at the mothers as standard working weekends go. I did indulge in some lemon meringue pie, because well it is me, and its lemon meringue pie. I went for a small slice to be good, compromise and all that. Then another. Oopsy Daisy. But. But… I tracked it! That’s good right!?! OK, for now, just go with it.
I did go on to have quite a heavy pointed dinner but it was pre planned and if I’m being honest now, hindsight as always, yes I regret the two slices of meringue pie especially now as my weeklies are now gone, and then with pizza yesterday.
But. One meal at a time. And today I did ok. I didn’t have to have the pie, no, but tracked & part of my lunch. Plus no sneaky snacking when out & about again.
Let’s hope tomorrow is a ‘lighter’ day!
The positivity I was feeling Thursday has completely and utterly disappeared & I want it back…..

Sunday good feels, well not as positive as the start of the week but better than yesterday. The sun is out, Sunday Costa for little man & me! We even walked up there, and by we, lazy bones wanted his pushchair and you know what, so what, it got us there quicker!!! Tomato & basil soup which I didn’t eat all of but covering my bases. With a pack of Discos because, well Discos! I’ve not had them in years!!!!! Lunch done! I also did my Sunday morning Strong class so. It’s something. I’ll just go with that.
I popped to the supermarket for a few bits afterwards and picked up a new protein bar that I’d seen, and it was WW friendly too. Plus hubby seemed impressed by it so can’t be the worst! Curbing the sneaky snacking and finding alternatives that ‘fulfil’ that fix, but I just can’t decide about it! Don’t get me wrong, it got eaten, of course it did, healthy chocolate! But, the jury’s still out with this! SP betterly spent though! Yes. Betterly. Hmmm!!!

Just like that, Monday again.
Trying to keep the guilt at bay but it’s a struggle! Positivity is there but sort of hibernating….. I don’t know what’s happened this week. I’ve just done a complete 180 on how I was Thursday.
I did my classes like a trooper on Monday, came out proud as punch, and remembered that today, today wasn’t the best day, I mean not too much bad but I did give in at one or two points. So my classes yet again, smashed it, but just felt like it was a waste. I mean it’s not a waste, oh I can’t explain.
I just feel like I’m going backwards not forwards, and like it’s not going to happen. Constantly self sabotaging and stopping any progress. The other week I commented about how my friend said, if I wanted it that bad I’d do it. I do want it, so what is stopping me? ME!?!!? WHY!!!!
I am sitting here day in day out wanting to prove myself to me and my boys, everything. Yet constantly letting them down, and myself.
UGH.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Just been in absolute tears….pictures of myself from September/October… like not even a few years ago, less than 6 months ago, four to be exact, 16 weeks…now look at me. I am so ready for going back to MY class tonight, facing the damage & now with a new leader… hopefully new beginnings too.
I’m sick and tired of getting this upset. I’m sick and tired of moaning. I’m sick and tired of moaning to Hubby. So I’ve stopped doing it. He supports me no end, and I love him dearly for it, especially with everything last year, but I always feel like a failure to him, with everything. Wife, Mother, now this. Can’t even shut my mouth for 24 hours! I just feel like im an embarrassment, I really do. I’m sick and tired of being embarrassed and letting myself and everyone else down. I’m sick and tired of hiding how I truly feel but not opening up because I feel so pathetic!!!!

It’s done. I’ve faced them. It means I’ve officially checked in!
IMG_5734.JPGMy scales were showing a 2-3lb loss so I know this week hasn’t been too bad. And I’m not looking at this result here as my actual result, because I know I’ve not been on it the last few weeks, you and I both know this, even this week was a let down. I’ve not been at group so it hasn’t been updated since my last official visit back at the start of the month. I’ve just needed to get back to MY meeting and back to my normal.
I had a breakdown earlier. Yet again.
I can’t keep getting to this point. This ‘zone’ or ‘click’ or ‘moment’ or whatever actual f it is… needs to come! And I’m hoping it’s soon.
For now. It’s dealt with.
I’ve ruined my great January start, I’ve ruined my February. Yes I’m still a few lbs down since 2018, but I should be a lot further in 8 weeks down. I’m hoping March has more positivity.

I’m so sick of being negative and so sick of saying how sick and tired I really am!

If you want something bad enough you go for it…..

-x-