So. Last night. Like what?! Really?! What happened? I have no idea!
I have no words to express how I feel. Yes its just 1lb. But a gain, with no explanation!?!!?
Why is there someone out there to get me? That’s what it feels like, it really does!!
Anyway. New day. New week. Week 30. New plan. Back to basics. Within reason. I won’t lie. I’m not going to be eating 100 pieces of fruit and veg a day, drinking gallons of water & going for 20 mile hikes etc. I just won’t let last night defeat me. Not this time.
Thanks to some extremely supportive people and some encouraging words, I’m focusing on the positives.
Look… I’ll be on honest. I cried, I wallowed. I ate. I’m done.
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day… it’s a new life….. la la la.
Positive is the way forward. The way forward is to not look back.
Do as Dory says. 👍🏻

PLUS!!! A while back, I sorted through all the jeans in my possession, in an array of shapes and sizes. Ranging from the biggest I’ve been, to the smallest. After the other day, when I found those two pairs that were the same size but felt smaller, but fit, I’ve worn through those, and my jeans that look like I’ve had an accident…as in that baggy and that lose! I am now down to ONE pair.
So I grabbed the first pair at hand, in the size below, just to see how far off I am getting into them. I don’t want to fork out on more jeans, to try to help me and ‘motivate’ me into getting into the next size down. I don’t want to buy more, when that’ll just stop me from doing it. I know it hasn’t really motivated me as of yet, it’s still to some extent. If that makes sense. Anyway, I wanted to see how far off I was, probably not the best thing to do after my emotional state last night, but hey, I tried. I tried them on, to see how far up they’d go, not to do up, just up.
But they went up. They did up!!
They are the size below and skinny leg. I was only saying the other week that I can’t do slim really, let alone skinny, because of my tree trunks! But these have done up… ahhh!!! They still look like tree trunks, there’s no doubt about it. BUT! They did up!! Comfortably too!
It does not mean I can walk into a shop and pick up this size and be fine. Don’t be so silly!! That wasn’t even the case in the ones I currently wear. I just know I fit into this ‘brand’. For now, that’ll do!
I’ll treat myself to a real retail shop when I get slimmer. For now, it’ll do. It does mean I now have another pair to wear for the time being, and a motivator.
What a boost for the week ahead. That 1lb, will not defeat me. Not this time.
So Thursday was a definite positive start to the week. The jeans definitely boosted me. But by Friday, the old me was creeping in. Not necessarily food wise, but most definitely head wise. My new-found positivity was drifting, big time. Trying to keep the food on plan and making comforting but pointable choices.
I’m not going to lie. It was a struggle.
Friday was the first bake day of the week. The spoon did get licked a couple of times. I won’t lie. Not loads, but a few. Normal day. On plan. Simple.

Saturday was a cake making day, Mom’s birthday tomorrow and I’m doing her a cake. Hubby’s off and focusing on Lil Man so I can get my head down and do this cake. I did join him at Costa for our standard ‘day in’ lunch break. But other than the cake, my mojo is gone. I am feeling beyond deflated. I just don’t know how to get out of this slump. Will put the smile on and the positivity tomorrow, won’t be hard. Get to see my folks, it’s Mom’s birthday, my Uncle & co are visiting AND I get to see my brother. It’s been a while, and boy do I miss him at times, I hate to admit it, and I don’t know if he reads these, so I’m allowed to say it! I do miss him and am genuinely so excited to see him! Shocker I know. Don’t tell 14-year-old me!
Anyway, back to today. I don’t even want chocolate or rubbish to be honest, just in a slump. I know shocking again. Not wanting rubbish… what’s going on!?!

I did have a bit of a talk with my rock, the hubby! I don’t know how he puts up with me I really don’t. Especially these days. He is such a support. He stopped reading these a while back, so not that supportive 🤣, I joke. No honestly, a lot of the time I don’t know what I’d do without him, I really don’t. I want to make him proud. Him and Lil Man. I may have messed around like crazy over the years, and I do wonder sometimes if he thinks I’m all talk when I say I want to do this and I’m back on it etc. It wouldn’t surprise me if he thought like that, and lost faith in me, I would not blame him at all. I would have done if I was him! But deep down, I want to make him proud. But he definitely doesn’t show it, always a support, always my rock. Ever appreciative! So yeh, I had a talk, but I don’t know exactly what’s wrong. I think I just feel like I’ve let myself down.
It was only one pound. Some friends told me to suck it up and move on, it’ll be off next week. But it’s not ONLY for me. I really tried this week. No sneaks, no reason to gain, no hidden foods, genuinely surprised and shocked. Killer. Not the blow I need, not now anyway.
I have got over the physical gain, just sort of annoyed at myself for not getting back on it and motivated/focused on losing it again. I’ve not gone off the rails or thought sod it, or made bad choices, but I just haven’t shook it off and moved on. I’ve wallowed. Clearly more than I thought. But I can’t help it. My head. My way. May not be the best or the healthiest but you can’t change your head. You can try. But with me, little success. I’ve only just changed the scales mindset. One milestone at a time!

So Momma G’s birthday today!! Happy Birthday!!!!
Long and short of it, this could have been a major day off plan, and in the past I would have revelled in it. Taken it for all it’s worth!! Day off, meal out, birthday cake, birthday goodies, you name it, I’d of gobbled it!
But not this time.
I had spent all last night making Mom’s birthday cake, and loved doing it, was so much fun! New skills put into practice and am happy with the final piece. IMG_1805
I gave myself a fruity breakfast as knew it was a meal out for lunch. Of which I said NO to both a starter and a dessert! I did have a cheesy spinach risotto thing for main which was filling and I didn’t eat it all! Shocker.
I had a slither of the cake when we got back home, and picked at some other birthday goodies. Tracked it all, using the rest of my dailies (had a small sandwich for ‘dinner’) and the weeklies up to that magic 37, to accommodate for the goodies. I don’t see how it would or should cost any more.
Lovely day with the family, Lil Man was on fine form, and was great to see the brother!

Was so nice to just forget about all the negativity and deflation, I didn’t fake the smiles or the laughter, was all just genuine and fun.
So Monday morning. Two days to go. Hmm. Another baking day. Busy week!
I couldn’t decide whether to stay home for Lil Man’s nap and have a low SP lunch, or wander up to Costa (again I know…. but we’ve had this conversation before, some people go out for coffee every day, mentioning no names MOTHER!, some people go out every weekend, drink all weekend etc).
Well, it’s a nice sunny day. It’s exercise. It’s steps. It all helps. I guess?!
I have really struggled to stay focused and on it this week. Not necessarily caving at the first sign of temptation, because to be honest, it hasn’t really been calling to me. Just focus is lacking. I’ve had a custard cream here or there, but all tracked and accounted for. Yes, I should be lying low on the whole carby bready lunch front, after last week’s unexpected result. I should be trying all the tricks in the trade to help. But I’m not. I’m having the comfort, but in a trackable and on plan manner. If I want that cheese toastie I’m going too. Better than an egg white omelette and then a gorge on crisps, chocolate, biscuits and whatever else bad we have.
Struggling this week is just proof as to how easy it is for my head to slip. I haven’t caved,  binged or pigged out. There’s been biscuits, as mentioned above, and a bit of cake yesterday, but all has been tracked and those blue dots and imaginary knots have still been earned.

Oh Em Gee. Today. Shoot me now. Emotional over load. Tired wreck.
The cake I’ve produced. I am disgusted and so disappointed. It just would not work. I spent 6 hours trying to cover it. The simple task of covering it. It took 6 hours. By the time it was done, I was a state, my clothes were a state, the kitchen was just the worst state it’s ever been in. I then had 20-30 minutes to do the simple decorations, box it up, and get it out the house.
It just kept going wrong, and I kept getting more and more frustrated and worked up. I had to keep going out to get more fondant, spending and spending, wasting more and more time, producing more and more tears, to the point I crumpled on the floor in floods. So overwhelmed and emotional as to why it was not working. Why was it failing?
I had weigh in on my mind too, which didn’t help. I just kept thinking all sorts.
I didn’t even want to finish it, I didn’t want to deliver it. I didn’t want to charge for it. I felt so let down in myself.
I don’t know why it kept going wrong, time pressure didn’t help. But I was also questioning my abilities and myself.
People always say I am so hard on myself. But this is why. The minute I stop. The minute I accept I may be OK or decent at something, it throws it back in my face.
The minute I stopped and thought WW wise, I’ve cracked it, I’m doing it. I had that unexpected gain.
The minute I started to believe in myself and believe the comments people were saying about me and my cakes, and mentioning my Grandma – don’t get me started…. – the minute I believed I was maybe remotely decent at cakes. I failed. I couldn’t do a basic cover. Let alone anything else. Every little aspect, just did not work. Even putting the ribbon on at the end, I nearly buggered that up!! But that was down to exhaustion more than anything at this point.
OK admittedly looking back it wasn’t the worst but I am not proud, I am not happy. I’m still extremely disappointed and just feel let down.
The reason I don’t believe in myself… because the second I do. I fall.

I really have lost my mojo and can’t seem to work out how to get it back. Not all of us are lucky on this journey, for some of us it is a constant battle.

Anyway. Judgement day is here. The last weigh in of July. Yes its 2nd August, but the ‘work’ of this week was July, so the result is for July.
I have no idea what to expect to be honest.
I’ve had an OK week. Not been extra good, but have definitely not been bad. I’ve tracked and earned 🔵 every day. Yes Sunday was a day ‘off’ plan as could not 100% track but I don’t see how it would have cost me more than what I put in.
However I have no idea what those scales will say. After last weeks shock. It’s anyones guess.
They do what they want to do.
After yesterday and the looming dread I have for weigh in… I just want today done so I can have some comfort food this evening and just wrap this week up.
img_7274AHHHHHH!!!
Totally saying 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 to last week right now! Everything I’ve had this week, all the emotions, all the opportunities to fail, to slip up, I didn’t. I did not cave. I did not let my emotions or my head get the better of me. I did not let me, mess it up like I almost always do.
I said NO! I didn’t go crazy on a meal out.
Basically…. I said f*** it to my usual f*** it mode!

Last weigh in for July.
Done.
And it was a bloody good one.
Buzzing!!!

-x-

 

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