Hmm….

I can’t believe I lost weight last night. Like, I had one day, only one day, off plan. I actually reined it back in! I damage controlled, plus did another 7 days of no scales, so 7 more knots, this time in my imaginary piece of string, I got straight back on it, and still lost weight!

So Week 29 it is, and after last week’s shocking loss, yes I am still not over it, and now having to add another 1lb to that, it’s just, for me, mouth drop shocking!  But anyway, after last week’s loss I sat down and realised that I have 4 target points really close together. When I am on plan, well, when I did it the first time around I would focus on every little target, giving myself anywhere between ½lb – 3lbs to achieve something. Some people embrace the silver 7s, or the stone zones, or the half way marks etc, but to keep me on track I used to focus on the little targets. Meaning nothing felt like it was out of reach.
Obviously this time around even the mini targets have seemed to be just that, light-years away. I kept saying once I hit that ONE stone mark, it would open up the doors and I’d be well on my way. I have spent so much of this year trying to rein back in the gains I’ve encountered as well as reaching that stone mark. It took a long long time, but I finally did. Then I had a few weeks messing around, chasing losses again. Now I am currently doing a.ok, let’s not jinx it, so think it’s OK for me to write it down.
So I sat there last week and worked out what I would need to lose in the coming weeks to achieve my next targets. I wasn’t expecting to lose anything this week, because even when I was on plan in the past, after a big loss one week, it was very rare for me to lose the following week. Just how my body seemed to do it. Small losses week in week out, then a bigger one, usually 2.5lbs at most, then nothing for a week or two. Then the cycle would start over. So in my head I wasn’t going to force anything any time soon, but just targets I wanted to achieve in the coming weeks. No pressure, and less likely for me to slip up. The way my head is at the moment, that was my thinking. It may soon change, you know me, I am a broken record after all.
So my next 4 targets and the losses I needed (going from last weeks 3lb loss…) were as follows. 
• If I lose ½lb, I would weigh the lowest I have got to with WW since rejoining back in July 2015. I got to this weight in the November of that year, yes 2015, unfortunately cannot capitalise to emphasise as much as I would like to, but no lower. I was 1.5lbs away from the next stone down. It was from there that the weight started creeping back on, and then spent the next 18 months hovering in the top half of the stone zone (that I am currently in…)
• If I lose 1lb, this will be brand new weight territory, as it were. The lowest I have weighed since having Lil Man full stop. I got to ½lb heavier than this, but no lower. So 1lb would be brand new!

• If I lose 1.5lbs, it gets me to the next stone down. Not bang on the stone, but into the next one down, so 13.5 of that stone. Always a winner!
•If I lose 3lbs, that gets me my next silver 7, officially 1.5 stone off.
Simple. Small. Doable.
Something happened this week to break the cycle of no loss after a big one. I have no words or explanation for it, especially with my day off plan involved. But as you can see by the picture on the left, I achieved 2 out of these 4 in just one week. That 1lb loss last night, achieved this. I am now bag on the stone, and have updated my next two targets accordingly. Much smaller targets to achieve, and closer, a lot closer. Easily achievable if I keep my mind on it, over the next few weeks. Now that I have had two decent losses in a row, it wouldn’t surprise me if it quietens down now for a week or two. So no pressure, or anything like that. I have 2 more weigh ins for July, obviously I would like to achieve one of these, but if I don’t, I won’t beat myself up, as I know I have done well these past 3 weeks.

Right now, I am officially at my lowest in over 2 years, and am only ½lb away from the next stone zone!! For now, I am damn happy. I am finally getting somewhere.
I really hope my broken record curse is on the way out, for a while anyway. Keep my head in it, hopefully focusing and not letting anything throw me off. I am waiting for it though. It is due.
Optimism much!?!?

Been a bit of a struggle over the weekend, my week started off really positive, but by the weekend it was really making me crave something bad. However I have not strayed, not at all. I think focusing on the fact my next mini target is only ½lb away is helping. May not be achieved this week, because I have a feeling the last 2 weeks will sort of settle down and calm the loss for a while, but that’s fine. I am just trying to focus on the upcoming losses that’s all. Well, I think that’s what it is anyway!
Sunday was my Besties, twins, 1st Birthday so we all had a day trip at the zoo! Was such a lovely day. But do you know what, whilst I was there, I said NO to…. iced doughnuts, cupcakes, mini sugared warm ‘donuts’, crisps, chocolate buttons and a Mr Whippy 99 flake ice cream! I said NO. What is wrong with me!?!!?
Plus because all I had during the day was a boring cheese sandwich, I had plenty of SP left for dinner. Hubby suggested a takeaway/Maccies type meal. Only because I had 20 dailies and 7 weeklies available to me for the meal. Not because he doesn’t support me. But I said NO immediately. Without hesitation!
So saying no the junk food earlier and then point-blank refusing this suggestion….wow. I must be you know…changing!? Or motivated. Or something! Is this motivation? Is this changing? If so… it feels so wrong, so dirty!!!
Tuesday morning I realised I hadn’t really thought about the whole scales situation. Maybe once in passing thought over the weekend but nothing more. As soon as I realised I hadn’t thought about, the anxiety and apprehension kicked in! The ‘day before WI’ worry.
Then I also thought to myself, my jeans, feel baggier than usual. I can’t do skinny or slim fit at the moment, my thighs have always been big and always cause issues. But obviously being a bigger girl at the moment, they cause even more issues. But these were lose on the hips, round the waist and round the leg! Like completely too big. Unwearable potentially!! Not falling down because my hips save the day, but enough. They weren’t the tightest fit even after that first fit after a wash, but this was silly! Something is becoming too BIG!!!
After the No’s at the weekend and the jeans…. am I becoming positive?!!? Plus my mom also said my waistline/hips/muffin top/love handles seem to be reining themselves in too. Ahhhh!! Too much positivity, this can’t be right!!

So weigh day, I have no idea how to be or what to expect. I have no idea how I am feeling. Of course I would love to have a loss, maybe even just that ½lb to get the next target. But I don’t know, I just have this feeling in my gut.
I’ve had a fine week on plan, no binging, no sneaking, another 7 knotted week. I’ve said No a lot, I’ve had NSV’s, all in the last 24 hours. But. I’ve also had a lot more carbs and a few snacks more, but then again, no more than the last few weeks, all tracked and on plan, and within my blue dot zone. Will this be detrimental? Will it finally do the damage I’ve been expecting it too?  I am constantly doubting myself. I may be slightly more positive than before, but that negativity is still there. Don’t worry I’m not all changing! Not just yet.
I think it’s because I’ve been doing OK the last few weeks, finally feeling more positive and like I’m making progress, I guess I’m just waiting for it to come back to bite.

I don’t even want to post this. I know I don’t have many followers so not going out to that many people, but it’s actually embarrassing! I did have a cry on the way home, not going to lie. This is my honest account and even if no one reads this, it’s for my own feedback in the future.
I am well and truly f***ed off about this.
Just when I feel I am making progress…. I knew it was going to come back and bite! Was just hoping it was further down the line, or in fact all just in my head!
It’s like I can’t let myself just do it!
That’s a lie. Unexpected gains have hit me hard in the past but then deep down I know I shouldn’t be annoyed as mistakes have been made and I have done things to explain a gain, just not been true to myself or the app or to anyone, to explain the gain. But this time. This isn’t the case. I am genuinely stunned. Right now I don’t know what to think.

To some, this is just a slip, just one measly little lb, it’s not the end of the world, it’ll be off next week. But for those who know me, know it’s not as simple as just that. For those who truly get it and understand, know I need motivators and positive results to keep focus and keep on track. They know any slight bump or rock on the tracks can cause a major blow out and throw me right off and back to the start.
I’m not saying this is what’s going to happen this time, because I really don’t want it too. I am finding my feet finally, I have wasted enough time, I truly want to keep going. It doesn’t change the fact I am angry and upset right now.
I feel like I’ve let myself down and my hubby and my folks and anyone who actually supports me. I’ve been a broken record for so long I doubt many think I’ve got it in me to complete any more, that’s genuinely how it feels. But I do feel I’ve let myself well and truly down. For that I am SO miffed off.
I’m now 1lb further away from those mini targets than I was when I wrote them out at the start of the week! I’m now 4 targets away rather than 2. Ugh.
Starting to finally feel positive about it all, feeling like maybe just maybe I can actually do this. Then this happens. Like a right kick in the teeth.
Obviously there’s a reason I don’t DO positivity!!

Feels like a bit of a failure of a week, despite the positive moments, they feel a little wasted right now.
Anyway. Rant out. Moaning out. Tears done. Another week done.

-x-