Before I go into this week, I just want to make a little ‘disclaimer’ or whatever the right term is. Whenever I rant or moan or post negatively, not for one second is it for attention, or for people to feel sorry for me. I do not for one second want people feeling sorry for me, or feeling bad for me or any of the like. I’m not saying that this is what I’ve encountered but just to make it clear. This is an online diary, what I write down is what I would put in my own personal diary. Personal thoughts & feelings. Now with a handwritten diary, no one else sees it, so what I write is for my eyes only, so I wouldn’t go all OTT and attention seeking in there, so why would I do it here? What I write is for my eyes and well, whoever else reads it, but that’s up to them. Just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page about that… yes?!
So yes. New week. New positive week.
If you can call it that. I was all for a brand spanking new month, new week, new attitude, new positivity, the whole shebang.
Wham.
Less than 12 hours into it and negativity has struck.
The above disclaimer was written at the start of the week, long before I realised what a shambles of a week was ahead. So my advice to you? Ignore this week, and move along. It’s not pretty. I won’t be sugar-coating it nor will I be wanting the feels for it either. You can judge me, and call me whatever you want behind my back, it happens, it always has, but this is me, this is my week, and if you don’t like it. Bugger off.
For those who have stuck around, why!? Why do you read this drivel, really!?!
Received some out of the blue news on Thursday, and it has just thrown me right off one already. I told you I’m weak and pathetic, and fall at the very first hurdle these days, and all that moany groany stuff I mumbled away at in my previous post. But I am not going to lie. I’ll take today, and see how it goes. If I end up falling off the wagon, I will. If I don’t, I won’t. But that’s just it, one day, one day at a time. Moving on.
OK. Four days later. Let’s be honest. I’m not in a very good place yet again right now. So we knew this was coming. Wagon. Off. Fell.
I let it engulf me, like never before. OK, that’s a lie. That’s a little extreme. Less of the extremities, and the OTT’s…! Let’s keep it simple. It did not set me up for a good week, not at all. After posting that really honest rant to myself in my last post you’d have thought now come on Lou, suck it up, you need to right the wrongs and prove to yourself you can snap out of that and move past it. But with the last post still ringing in my ears and the way I made myself feel, it did not bode well full stop. It did the complete opposite of what it would do to any normal human being!
So safe to say this week. Well this week has just been embarrassing.
Whether I have whatever people want to call it, a binge eating disorder, no willpower, no self-control, pathetic stupidness, whatever it is. It’s this week.
I didn’t have a proper day on plan until Sunday. Yes. Sunday. Not that the other 3 days were all as bad as the other, but it was most definitely at least 1.5 AWFUL days.
Sunday being FARRR too late to do any damage control I am sure. Well that’s not true. There’s still 2.5 days of attempting damage control to be had. ‘Attempting’ being key here.
2.5 days of Weight Watchers. Ha.
I really am a joke at the moment. More so than ever. But what I’m not going to do is sit here and moan and groan for 2000 words and feel sorry for myself and all that negative jazz stuff. I’ll aim to do it within 1500! No seriously. Because I’ve done that too much of late, and with the final October post still ringing in my ears it’s too much of a joke to comprehend really.
Well, I’m not going to sit here and write consistently about how I’m feeling sorry for myself and all that negative jazz stuff, apart from all of the above. Clearly. Which is pretty much me going all negative and that, but you know what I mean. I think. I may think it, that can’t be helped, but I won’t spend another month moaning on here about it. Maybe just this week, and those 1500 words.
I want my positivity back, I do, you may not believe me, but I do. It’s just not as easy as you may think for me to keep hold of it right now. So will do what I can to get enough out my system to make a ‘worthy’ post and hopefully therapise myself out of it. Yes therapise. New word. My word. It makes sense to me! I could quite easily have sugar-coated this week saying I’ve had a fab week, then the usual Monday / Tuesday anxious wait for weigh in spiel, then the result and oh em gee, I’ve gained again, how could it be, oh my word I’m so annoyed. Or I could have just not posted this week. But I’ve not missed a single week so far this year, and I don’t want to start now! As said above, this is my online diary, so my entry, each week summed up. So that’s what I’m doing, summing up this week!
I’m not going to go into any more detail than that, just that this week has been, well, SHIT. Not going to lie. Absolute shite.
I have let every little thing get to me, every moment, every bit of boredom, every bit of loneliness, every little bicker, every little toddler tantrum, just everything, has been an excuse. One after another. And no I do not feel good for it. Not at all. But that hasn’t stopped me. Snacking, sneaking food, snacking, comfort eating, comfort meals, you name it. Just awful. Yes snacking was repeated, intentionally.
So Monday. No Monday anxiousness for weigh in, it’ll be a gain. No doubt about it.
Let’s see if I can do something though. Let’s see if I can get some positivity back into this week, so not ending my first November week on an entire low. Hmmm.
Not going to lie, it is a little bit embarrassing, to you, to me, to myself, to all, as to how pathetic I sound this week. Unless you are of similar mindset, you won’t get it. You’ll see it as excuses, excuses, excuses. Oh you don’t feel too good, oh you have a toddler, oh you heard this today, oh you had this happen, oh you’re at home, oh bla bla, excuses, excuses. But it’s not as simple as that. This mentality is hard to shift. A state of mind where any little moment of something that isn’t quite, good, you reach for your comfort. You sit back and analyse the situation, re think through last weeks moaning honest post, the photo’s, all of it, and it just makes it all 10x worse, and instead of drawing that line right there, right then, you carry on. It is wrong, it is painful, it sucks. A constant battle, as I have said numerous times, and touched lightly on the idea of seeking help for it in my last post. (Something I won’t go into much detail over right now but it is something that is going on in the background, and constantly on my mind.)
This week has just seen one thing after another for me, everything seems to have spiralled a little bit again, more so than it has done in quite a while to be honest. I’ve not felt quite this way in quite a long time it seems.
As said above, it could have been sugar-coated, or I could have completely missed this week out. But this is my diary, for my own ‘benefit’ not that I see much of that currently.
On a positive note, I have sort of tried to rein it in the last couple of days, it’s not been easy, it has been tough. I am trying to pinpoint as to why I do what I do, and am slowly waking up to things this week, not enough to entirely set me straight, not yet anyway. Maybe upon reflection. Who knows.
Plus weigh day looming, knowing I’m in for a hefty gain, it come’s as no surprise, no shock whatsoever. There won’t be the usual anxiousness before weigh in, as to what to expect, more anxious to just face the scales, and go home, scoff my face silly (OK, I won’t be that extreme, I don’t have the SP left to do so, and I know I use weigh in night as treat night, but not quite a treat when you’ve had this sort of week, I can’t be THAT silly) and more importantly, draw that line and start a new week.
Try again.
Again.
YAYYYYY 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
It’s weigh day, how exciting!!!!
Said no one ever.
Especially someone who’s had a shoddy week, a binge week, a definite gain week.
But it’s OK. It’s been accepted and it’s being faced. My own fault, my own doing, only right and fair to face up to it!
EXTREME wishful thinking on the damage control front, but is it at all possible to lose weight between 7.30am and 6pm?! Is it at all logical? Like if I drink plenty for the first half of the day, totally pee it all out and then some right!? Or spend the morning cleaning the house, doing and sorting the washing, running up and down stairs, toddlering, the usual? All total weight loss aids right?! Ha, I wish.
I am being a good WW’er though (HA!). I am going to face the music. Weeks like this in the past I would have fobbed it off, not gone, found an excuse not to go, or gone but not weighed, or ‘accidentally on purpose’ forgotten my weigh in dress, and everyone knows I can’t weigh in, in anything but the dress! I would find a way to chicken out, and then that would make everything even worse, as without weigh in, I would see it as a free pass and turn the last 7 days into 14 days off! Not good. But nope, I was feeling better in my head space, I wouldn’t go as far as saying positive, as it’s a little extreme, and maybe not right in doing so, but felt that it was what was needed to be done.
I’ll take that ⬆️ as this weeks positive! It’s a start! I’ve got one positive!
Hopefully I won’t break the scales in doing so. Do you know what though? I feel ready, I feel OK to face it. It’s a strange feeling, going off to group with the full-blown knowing of a gain and being totally calm, accepting and OK about it. Weird.
SERIOUSLY?!?!?! 😲😲😲😲😲😲 WHATTTT?!?!?!!
Woah. Like, really, how?! That is shocking, to say the least. I have no words.
That’s a lie, I currently have 1845 words! And counting!
But no seriously, what???
That’s last weeks gain, gone, and then some. What!?
I was wishful thinking for a STS, but knowingly expecting 2-3lbs at least ON. Not even remotely thinking or considering any form of a loss.
Man oh man.
I kind of feel like I should really delete all the above, and just be like oh I had an OK week. Yeh nothing to report here. But that’s a lie. I want to be honest, for my own sake more than anything. No point sugar-coating, honesty all the way.
I really needed to hear that tonight. Well, anything less than 2lbs on, and ideally a STS was what I needed, but that is a right good boost.
Thank you to whoever is up there, looking down on me, it’s you I’ve got to be thankful for, in any way I possibly can!! I don’t usually believe, but how else can it be explained? Really.
Now let’s try for a real fresh start of a new week, and more so, a positive one.
Get right on it, focus on it and smash it.
I need to make sure there’s no room for delayed gainage… no I do not.
And hopefully a much more upbeat and positive post to follow!
-x-
Slimming Minnie Diaries 
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